There I was AGAIN…letting my insecurities overwhelm me, my confidence plummet, and my beauty be defined by everyone but me. Now, I was in this dark parking lot, in this car seat, opening my heart to someone I wanted so desperately to change, love, and then be with for the rest of my life. When I didn’t even get a call, there I was filled with strife. There I was…losing me. There I was…searching for something my eyes should’ve seen.
My story does not start from this, but rather a combination of low self-esteem, an obese childhood, tauntings, and looking for validation in all the wrong places. Growing up was beyond decent for me. I lived with my grandparents who’d sacrificed just about anything to take care of me. I was blessed with a family that supported me and sacrificed just about anything to see me succeed. But, in my mind something was missing…What was wrong with me?
Love. They say it’s a drug. They say it hurts. They say it’s addicting. They say if you find that perfect someone…you keep them. They say if you love someone, you set them free. If they come back, then it was meant to be. I’ve experienced all of these. Love. It’s all I ever wanted and all I thought I would need.
I remember barely fitting in the desk in middle school and looking around at all the “pretty” girls around me. I wanted what they had so badly: the attention, the guys…I wanted everything BUT to be me. Here began my downward spiral, grasping any guy that came and wanting all the attention to go viral. I began to switch. I began to hide behind makeup. I began to forget Song of Solomon 4:7. I began to let my body play up.
Once I got the validation I seeked, it became something like an addiction. Once I had my first kiss in the back of a classroom while no one was looking, I became my own worse affliction. I became everyone’s little secret within one stunt. I allowed myself to play the back so long, when I should’ve been in the front.
There he was…standing like a knight in shining armor. I thought I picked up my confidence off the floor and now, God sent me the right charmer. With a face full of Cover Girl and eyelids tattered with gold, I approached what I thought was me only being bold. I never knew I’d fall deeper. I never knew I’d sink. I never knew God told me I was fearfully and wonderfully made. I never took the time to just think. I…just wanted my heart to link.
And it did…and for the first time, I wasn’t a “big girl”…I was pretty. Finally, there was someone who told me he loved me. Captured in lust and lies, I was more than likely eating. Captured in these endless thoughts of “Why me?”, and the scale kept ascending. But my heart…kept bending. Discomforted, I stepped on one day and there it was…260 pounds staring right back at me. I think that’s when God shook me…and I realized this was seriously happenin’.
Dia, you’ve done it now. You stooped so low, but how? I’ll tell ya. Beyonce was right. “Pretty hurts. Shine the light on whatever’s worse…Tryna fix something…But you can’t fix what you can’t see…It’s the soul that needs the surgery.” I was focusing on something that’s only skin deep. This time, I focused on me.
It was squat after squat, chugging water by the gallon, and lap after lap on the track. It was countless crunches and leg lifts on my back. There were nights I had no calories left but I was determined to stick it out. It was A LOT of control of what I was putting into my mouth. It was new recipes, new clothes, and new inspiration. It was smiles, laughs, prayers and later…a LOT of motivation. Mostly, it was an abundance of sweat, tears, and pain. It was my blossom. If there was no pain, there was no gain.
See, my weight loss journey was more than me redeeming my self-esteem. My journey taught me how to be a queen. I remember the first time someone told me I was beautiful without my makeup and I was elated. That same person SHOWED me my worth without me having to prove my appreciation. I lost my mind all this time thinking I had to be what I THOUGHT was pretty. I invested time into too many people forcing it to be “meant to be”. I lost myself forgetting that God made me and said “Adia is far more precious than a ruby”. I forgot to love me.
So, what motivated me? Self-love. Something I should’ve had all along. Once the pounds started dropping, I was dancin’ and singin’ my own song. I could see my big eyes and chubby cheeks. I appreciated my big hips and straight teeth. Most of all…the moment I met people who saw me for me…I was no longer caged in. I WAS FREE.
August Alsina has a song on his album “Testimony” that I took a liking to as SOON as I heard it.
August sings “I’m just like you. I been there too. I hope you feel me cause I been through the pain. There ain’t a difference…YOU AND I ARE THE SAME….I was right there where you are…Now I’m reaching for the stars” I have a long way to go but I’ve already come so far. God has been my biggest blessing in showing me I am who He says I am, not the world around me. On the day I was born, I think He said “Here is my gift…but it’s gonna take her a while to see”. That’s why He had a name for me. “Adia” is Swahili and means “a gift from God.” I had to travel a 20-year long journey to finally realize I was never flawed. I was never a victim. I was never ugly. For its true if my God is for me, WHO CAN BE AGAINST ME? The Lord is my light and my salvation…WHOM SHALL I FEAR? Definitely not man, definitely not myself, or anything else the world draws near.
My journey is not one that can be emulated because it’s mine and MINE alone. It was my road to discover my worth within each and every bone. Maybe your problem isn’t weight. But there’s some one laying in bed at night crying. If you are sweetheart, know I’ve had my shed of tears. Maybe it isn’t “finding you”. But know someone is lost…and if you are I know what it’s like to be blind to this world, not knowing what to see. I know what it is to please everyone else before pleasing me. Maybe it’s an addiction. Validation was my drug that sent me on Cloud Nine…I had to learn self-respect and not to let anyone and everyone cross the line. maybe it’s reaching your full potential. If you ask me, I’m just a regular woman that loves open spaces. It’s because of God I soar high and head off to great places.
It doesn’t matter. I’ve lived in insecurities, lied until I couldn’t lie anymore, and been attacked by the devil at every door. I hold my hold head up now because I know what it is to be looking at the floor. I have been knocked down 1,0002 times and it is my weight loss that shows I am strong. I am a fighter and I’ll continue, no matter how long. I won’t be stopped. This is MY life and I MAKE IT SPIN. God you’re up to something up there and when I get to heaven, that’s my win. Lord, fill me when I stray in this life of sin. I belong to me, and NOT these women and men.
Day after day is another chapter in not only reaching my goal weight but discovering the woman I’m supposed to be. Every minute and every hour, God is slowly revealing another piece of me.
You are a fighter every minute and every hour you choose to breathe. Let’s blossom together, but first promise you’ll plant your seed. Second, promise me to grow. Third, you must pray. Fourth, wake up, pray up, and everyday is a day to SLAY!
If you’re reading this…it’s NOT too late. Matter of fact, it’s early. I don’t care what you’ve done, you have a crown too…full of pearls and gold. Your inner beauty is timeless. Let it radiate, for it will never get old. Surround yourself with people who love you and genuinely care. If you’re like me, you may even find someone who’ll always be there.
To the people who have watched me grow on this road, I thank you. This story is for you…because you’ve helped me become a better me. I’m entering this evolution now with a faith I cannot even see. To the angel who set my soul on fire, I’ve probably lost you trying to find me. To the people I now bid farewell, I’m sorry, but I’m off to be a better me. To the Lord, my Savior…YOU THE REAL OG. See, my weight loss has taught me a lot of things. I can love and love hard…but first, I gotta love me. With a heart full of gold, I am my own beautiful, a little selfish, and sometimes bossy. I am Queen and I…am FREE.