There’s something special about love. And I’m not talking about the love where the man you’re in love with holds your hand and caresses your fingers…Not the love where you’re watching him sleep at the wee hours of the morning, and admiring the way he looks and the way he breathes….Not that love. Not the love she gives through little gifts and cute texts. Nah, not that love. This is different. This love is stronger. It’s more brutal. It makes you lay awake at night. It tells you what you DON’T want to hear. This love prevails…and it always will.
I’ve spent the latter of my two decades wondering what the hell is wrong with my “love life.” It seems as if everything else is…perfect. Perfect family. Perfect education. Perfect friends. But, love? Well, it is always and always has been in shambles for me. And I’ve always said it was due to this “searching”. This…CONSTANT searching. I was searching for every fish in the sea. I was searching for a guppy…any guppy…to love me. And then when I caught one that wanted to be caught, I realized I didn’t want to be caught and said that I had to “find me.”..and that was why I wasn’t ready. And I won’t take away from some truth in that statement..but I also won’t take away from the lie in it also. The truth is…are we ever lost? Or is “finding me” just an excuse? See, the love that I speak on in the beginning…only that love will yield your answer to that question. And for me…”finding me” is a PISS POOR excuse. I was never lost…at least not in the love department. You can’t be lost when something was already there. I was already love. I was already LOVED. I always was and always will be, and to constantly run…and run…and run….well, let’s just say that’s not me. Not me: the go-getter, the ambitious girl, and the Superwoman. So, I’ve decided to stop. I’m not going to run anymore…and it’s not because I “found” love…or because I found “a man”. I….found the truth.
And my truth? I fall for potential. In fact, there’s this certain lust about it. This desire to “build someone up”…to “be the woman who changed him”…to “be his”…to “be WITH him”….to “sleep with him”…to “make love to him”….to “marry him”. Lust. It’s my truth. Lust has failed me. My lust has failed me. It failed me because I desire so much….I desire to be owned….to be loved…to be everything that I should be to MYSELF first. Furthermore, I desire for everything to be perfect. To paint the picture that way it is in my head….with this perfect marriage, filled with the perfect husband, the perfect 7 kids, the perfect house, with the perfect jobs. And more truth? Love IS NOT perfect. It never will be. EVER. And while it doesn’t offer perfection…it offers truth…something lust can never offer.
So, I stand in my truth. Lust blinded me. I thirst for the ideas, the temptations, the moments of “bliss”. But, what happens when it’s time to talk, time to fight, time to cry together? Lust can’t handle that. Lust won’t let you stay. Love? Only love will get you through the awkward conversations…the sleepless nights…the jealous rages….the irrational accusations and arguments. Only love. And maybe it’s not loving someone else. Sometimes, the only love needed is… loving yourself. Hugging yourself at night when you the only person you want to hug is not “yours”. Because realize this next truth about love that this 21-year-old had to learn…love is not possession. It’s not control. It’s not selfish….or self-validating. These are things that self-love…Raw, pure, self-love can offer.
Love. It’s grounded in truth, not love. And I know this…because love is showing me my truth. It’s showing me my struggles. It’s showing me my victories. Love. It will always conquer. Because it is patient. It is kind. And just like anything else….it takes work. Hard-work. Something else that doesn’t exist with lust. Anyone can get in a bed naked. Anyone can “kiss you like they miss you.” But, who’s going to lighten up your world when it’s dark? Who’s going to listen to your dreams, your fears, your insecurities? Who’s going….to love you for YOU? Not lust for the “idea” of you….not for the “orgasmic” you…Who’s going to love you for you? Love. Love will love you…for YOU. Not lust.
Exude love today. Exude light. Exude everything that you want returned to you into this universe. And don’t let a minute past by…that you don’t love yourself…that you don’t love the friends who get you so high when life feels low…that you don’t love the guy who sends you random playlists when you’re having a bad day…that you don’t love the family that’d travel the world for you….Love and love hard today. And even if you don’t have someone “else” to love…Even if it feels like no one loves you…YOU LOVE YOU. Because Love? Love always wins.
“You can search throughout the entire universe for someone who is more deserving of your love and affection than you are yourself, and that person is not to be found anywhere. You, yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection.” Buddha